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Cane Toad Warrior

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Cane Toad Warrior - August 2006

An Ode to the Greater (Greatest) West

August 10th 2006 07:17

A top sort behaving appropriately. maaaaaate!

Sydney, at best, is a shit hole, but so is everywhere else. There seems to be a lot of snobbery directed from the inner quarters of Sydney out to it’s west… a sort of elitist mentality. The west is Sydney’s last frontier, like the old west of America; the law doesn’t have much to say and outlaws roam wherever they please. This automatically makes me tougher than anyone from anywhere else in Sydney, even though I am quite weak back in Penrith. I can walk up to a group of north shore dickheads and I automatically know I am better than them because of this. Someone from Penrith who's into star trek is even tougher than the toughest normal person from the north shore.

We have a pond outside the gym in Penrith… there are big tough geese that live there. I go down and hang out with them, and we do heaps of westie things. We go to the pub, and drink beer out of schooner glasses (none of this midi shit). We eat real food - big giant chicken schnitzels, dripping with meaty juiciness. No bloody salads either. The geese love eating the chicken. We grow our hair long at the back and short at the front, mullet-style, and we go down to the T.A.B. to make a bit of extra so we can shout the kids some Maccas on a Friday night. We hang out at centrelink and make scenes when the dole queue is too long, because we’re tough and we know we can get away with it. Sometimes we just go to the RSL and play the pokies all day long.

I like to wear stubbies and thongs. Inner Sydney wimps scoff at this because they think they have ‘fashion sense’. Well, let me tell them – fashion means shit in the west. You think our wives have big fringes because it’s cool? Of course they bloody don’t, they do it because they’re tough and know that no one will make fun of them no matter what they do or wear. Leotards, flannelette t-shirts… it’s all just to let you know that we’re the best.

If I wanna have a beer I’ll have a fucking beer. I’ll get myself a VB long neck in a paper bag, and drink it on the bus EVEN THOUGH THERE’S A SIGN THAT TELLS ME NOT TO. If I wanna take a piss sometimes I won’t even go inside, I’ll just wizz into the garden. Pockets are for fags too, I keep my durries in the sleeve of my t-shirt! And a spare to put behind me ear! I call people ‘dickhead’ and ‘cunt’, even my friends! I’M TOUGH. I MAKE PIG NOISES WHENEVER I SEE POLICE CARS AND MAKE CLEVER REMARKS ABOUT BACON AND HAM! I DRIVE EVEN THOUGH I DON’T HAVE A LICENCE, AND IF THE MISSUS TALKS BACK I’LL SLAP HER AND TELL HER TO GET BACK IN THE KITCHEN. SHE MIGHT BE TOUGH, BUT SHE’S NOT AS TOUGH AS ME! AHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! WESTIE PRIDE 4 EVA CUNTS! SOMETIMES I DON’T EVER WEAR SHOES! HOW’S THAT FOR FUCKING TOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!! RARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

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Posted By: Luke - Category: Guide to the World

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Comment by jon

August 10th 2006 07:46

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It's like you're channeling an entire population. Spooky.

Comment by Jay

August 10th 2006 09:28

Similar to the North/South divide in England - f&*^ing shandy drinking southern softies. Though actually I quite like shandy...

Comment by Luke

August 10th 2006 13:17

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I heard heaps of people in England drink snakebites. I love snakebites but hardly any pubs in Sydney have even heard of them.

Comment by Jay

August 10th 2006 19:27

Yeah - snakebite and black(currant) is a favourite over here. Though personally cider gets me lashed waaay to fast...

Comment by Cibbuano

August 11th 2006 00:41

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I've heard that people in England bite snakes. And none of this non-venomous shite...no, the 'real' men bite king cobras and rattlesnakes.

Comment by Anonymous

August 11th 2006 01:02

hahahahaha
well, I eat scorpions for breakfast!
with MILK!

Comment by Shani

August 11th 2006 04:18

Yeah snakebites are great! Sometimes they'll make it for you in Sydney if you order two at once (so they use up a whole bottle of cider when they open it).

Comment by Jay

August 11th 2006 08:13

You see we have cider on tap over here, so they don't mind so much...

Comment by Legally Brunette

August 14th 2006 07:39

My Wedding

Can I just say that I'm from the North Shore and I've always liked Westies and Easties and Southies and I've never known there even was a distinction to be made between us, except that the west sells really good kebabs...

Luke, you'll have to come out to the North one day and you'll see, we are not all bad

Comment by Luke

August 14th 2006 09:50

Book Club
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I've made a few excursions to the north, it's not too bad at all.

When I was at uni most of my classes were made up on North Shorians, I remember one girl said (in her posh north shore accent) "The west? I don't think I'd go out west, places like Parramatta are scary" and then she sort of crinkled up her nose, and I remember being shocked that someone could think Parramatta was 'out west', I'd always considered it the beginning of the city hahahahah!

Comment by Legally Brunette

August 14th 2006 10:52

My Wedding

hehe, if you ever see her again, you might wanna tell her to look at all the plastically enhanced people up North. Seriously, much scarier than anyone in Parramatta...

Comment by Anonymous

August 22nd 2006 04:43

hey, i am a penrithite, living (unfortunatley) in the bloody shire!! i think we are forgetting the real enemy here! (people south! also north..and east)

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