The Groovy Adventures of Matt Locke: Job - Part 7
October 6th 2006 05:29
It is the following day. Leif’s eyes slowly and painfully open and we see that he is laying face down on the lounge room floor. He has been out all the night before with the local rugby team, and he has spent all of Matt’s pay. A freight box sits next to the lounge conspicuously. Leif slowly stumbles to his feet, tries to walk to the fridge, but only makes it to the lounge. He lights a cigarette and immediately launches into a tirade of coughing and retching.
Matt walks into the room.
Matt: Finally awake are we?
Leif: Don’t be such a nag.
Matt: You must’ve been on some brutal turps last night, there’s vomit all along the pathway out the front. I haven’t seen that much chunder since Buzz got into the fabric softener.
Leif drags on his cigarette and retches some more, coughing up some vile looking flem into the ashtray on the coffee table. Matt sits down next to him.
Matt: Give us a durry.
Leif: Go to work.
Matt: Day off mate. Give us a fucking durry.
Leif pulls a cigarette out from behind his ear. Matt lights it up and starts smoking.
Addy comes walking in from out the back, he screws up his nose and pulls a face.
Addy: Ah, the rancid stench of the smoker!
Leif: Addy… I’m not in the best of spirits right now, so don’t force me to get up and hit you.
Addy: (Gloatingly) Alcohol does that to you!
Leif throws the ashtray at Addy, it scones him in the head and he falls to the ground whimpering.
Leif: Now, Addy, who feels better?
Leif: Pffft, the last 10 years of your life are shitty anyway.
Matt: Besides, cigarettes keep our figures trim and taut. Like athletes.
Matt pats his paunchly stomach.
Leif pulls out another cigarette and starts smoking it, now smoking two cigarettes at once.
Leif: (Speaking between puffs of smoke, without taking the cigarettes from his mouth) You like that Addy? Lapping up all the fumes like a passive freeloader, huh?
Addy: You’re not funny! Just because I’m smarter than you! Stop it! Stop polluting my air space!
Addy starts whining.
Addy: Matt, tell him to stop!
Matt ignores him. Leif lights up a third cigarette, and inhales more between more coughing and retching.
Addy: I demand you stop now! MATT!
Matt: Fuck off. You’re disturbing my smooth, fresh Saturday morning durry.
Addy: (Shocked) Matt… I order you to stop this horrifying spectacle!
Leif slowly pulls himself to his feet and shuffles over to Addy, and begins ashing on his head.
Addy: AHHHH! Mathew Locke! If you ever want to receive another paycheck, you’ll get to your feet and remove this wretch from my presence!
The cigarettes drop from Leif’s mouth and he turns to Matt.
Leif: Paycheck?!?
Matt: (embarrassed) Er…
Addy: Oh, didn’t he tell you? I’m his boss. He does all my chores for me back at home and I pay him, so that makes him my servant. Isn’t that right, Matt?
Leif: (to Matt, stomping out the cigarettes) You’ve gotta be fucking joking.
That’s worse than changing nappies at a retirement village!
Matt breaks down, his shoulders slumping in defeat. He cannot live the lie any longer.
Matt: I know! I know! I can barely live with myself anymore. I’ve been changing his snotty sheets and changing his mum’s bedpans for a week now! (Matt looks like he is gonna cry) I even had to hand him a toilet roll once when he ran out in the dunny!
Leif: Matt, I don’t care how poor we are, I refuse to live with Addy’s slave.
Matt looks completely dejected. He sighs.
Addy: Matt… do you want your pay or not?
Matt thinks for all of two seconds and flicks his cigarette at Addy’s head.
Matt: Ah… Get fucked Addy. I’ve had enough, you can keep it! I’m sick of cleaning up after you anyway. It’s just not right. You’re 21 and you still think Agro is real and not some fat shit who likes goosing up-and-coming Channel 7 talent.
Addy: But… but… we were gonna watch Star Trek tonight!
Leif: You what?!?
Matt: Er…
Addy: (Desperate) You don’t have to do the chores any more! Just come watch Star Trek with me tonight and I’ll still pay you!
Matt: Nup! I’ve just decided - I’ve got a date with some curry, an Anne Fullwood highlights-video and a six-pack of Sheep Dip Dry.
Matt grabs Addy by the scruff of his neck and drags him to the front door, opens it, and boots him out on his arse.
Matt: Don’t come back until the image of your mum’s unshaven legs has unburnt itself from my memory!
He slams the door shut, and Leif shudders in the background. Matt shuffles back to the lounge and sits down. Leif sits down too.
Leif: Back to where we started off again then.
Matt: Nah, I’ve still got some of my pay saved up.
Leif: (Looking a bit sheepish) Not any more!
Matt: (Expressionless) What?
Leif: I took your newly acquired savings out for a good time last night.
Matt: (Trying not to get angry) You… took… my… savings… and… spent them?
Leif: Yeah.
Matt: So it’s all gone.
Leif: Not all of it. I made an investment.
Leif reaches into the box sitting next to the lounge and rummages about in the Styrofoam. A sock puppet with two pathetic eyes drawn on it peaks up over the edge of the cardboard.
Leif: (In a bad attempt at ventriloquism) Hello Matt! I’m Jake, Jake the Trouser Snake. We can be good friends, very good friends!
Matt: (On the verge of going mental) That’s an investment?
Leif: Yep! Bought it down the pub last night.
Matt: From…
Leif: (thinks) From… Buzz.
Matt: It’s my fucking sock!!!!
Leif pulls his hand out of the box and looks at the sock puppet.
Leif: Could be.
Matt: I’m gonna iron your balls to your thigh you cunt!!!!!!
Buzz comes strutting in with a big box under his arm.
Matt: (Furious) WHERE’S MY MONEY YOU RETARD!!!!
Buzz: My money has been spent.
Matt: On what!
Buzz: On this.
Buzz puts the box down on the table, and opens it up. They all look inside it.
Buzz looks incredibly pleased with himself.
Matt: (quietly) My God.
Leif: Well I’ll be a horse-straddling porn star!
THE END.
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