Rice: War Criminal?
October 15th 2007 10:24
Pffft, who cares about Condoleeza Rice. Now that I have your attention I am here to talk you about the GOOD rice. Fried Rice.
I could eat rice three times a day. If I had such resources at my disposal I would cover my bed in cooked rice and roll around in it naked. Sure, I'd probably make sweet love with Condoleeza Rice too but for me the real deal is fried rice full of peas and carrots and (if I'm feeling saucy) pineapple.
If someone annoyed me I could fill my mouth with rice, suck on it's exquisite essence, and then spit said rice into said person's face. They'd be all like, "Ahhhh, rice!!!!!" and I'd be like, "Yeahhhhhhhh boyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy yyyyyyyy that's the NICE rice!", and it would rule.
If I was going to get married I would take my girl by one arm and say, "Darling, tonight I am doing for you something quite special" and I would take her back to my place and we would have a candlelit meal with sweet horn music playing in the background and I would feed her rice. I would scoop it up and shovel it into her mouth and she would marry me.
Once I tried to toast rice in my toaster. It didn't work.
If I had kids I would give them rice to take to school in their lunchboxes and the other kids would be jealous because they didn't have rice and my kids would get better marks in class because the teacher would favour my kids for being multicultural. My kids would never get hungry because if they did I would just feed them more rice.
When I die my body will buried in a coffin full of rice. The rice would rejuvenate me because my body by then would be 99% rice from eating rice so much. I would burst out of my casket at the funeral, and rice would pour from my mouth and eyes and I would bellow "WHO WANTS RICE!" and everyone would run and scream from the funeral parlour.
By this point Australia would be at war with China, and China would be the world's number 1 superpower and the Australian Prime Minister (let's face it, it'll probably still be John Howard, and he'll be in his late 90s and he'll still be a clown) would be like "We'll never join you China, we hate Asians!" and I'll come into the fray, with rice still pouring from my eyes and mouth and ears and other places I won't mention, and I'll say "Guys, guys, we don't have to fight, look - rice" and I would empty my sleevs forth and rice would pour out like a beautiful fountain of rice and elderly John Howard would cry cause some of it will get into his eyes and the Chinese fuhrer will be laughing and he'll go "High five rice man!" and he'll decide not to invade Australia and let us just get on with eating rice.
Bad Rice
Good Rice
I could eat rice three times a day. If I had such resources at my disposal I would cover my bed in cooked rice and roll around in it naked. Sure, I'd probably make sweet love with Condoleeza Rice too but for me the real deal is fried rice full of peas and carrots and (if I'm feeling saucy) pineapple.
If someone annoyed me I could fill my mouth with rice, suck on it's exquisite essence, and then spit said rice into said person's face. They'd be all like, "Ahhhh, rice!!!!!" and I'd be like, "Yeahhhhhhhh boyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy yyyyyyyy that's the NICE rice!", and it would rule.
If I was going to get married I would take my girl by one arm and say, "Darling, tonight I am doing for you something quite special" and I would take her back to my place and we would have a candlelit meal with sweet horn music playing in the background and I would feed her rice. I would scoop it up and shovel it into her mouth and she would marry me.
Once I tried to toast rice in my toaster. It didn't work.
If I had kids I would give them rice to take to school in their lunchboxes and the other kids would be jealous because they didn't have rice and my kids would get better marks in class because the teacher would favour my kids for being multicultural. My kids would never get hungry because if they did I would just feed them more rice.
When I die my body will buried in a coffin full of rice. The rice would rejuvenate me because my body by then would be 99% rice from eating rice so much. I would burst out of my casket at the funeral, and rice would pour from my mouth and eyes and I would bellow "WHO WANTS RICE!" and everyone would run and scream from the funeral parlour.
By this point Australia would be at war with China, and China would be the world's number 1 superpower and the Australian Prime Minister (let's face it, it'll probably still be John Howard, and he'll be in his late 90s and he'll still be a clown) would be like "We'll never join you China, we hate Asians!" and I'll come into the fray, with rice still pouring from my eyes and mouth and ears and other places I won't mention, and I'll say "Guys, guys, we don't have to fight, look - rice" and I would empty my sleevs forth and rice would pour out like a beautiful fountain of rice and elderly John Howard would cry cause some of it will get into his eyes and the Chinese fuhrer will be laughing and he'll go "High five rice man!" and he'll decide not to invade Australia and let us just get on with eating rice.
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Comment by Lozza
Rice cakes, Rice Pasta, Rice Bars, Rice Rice Rice!!!
One day i'll marry rice and make little baby rices!!!
Comment by Andy Cos
Don't give into hate. Try risotto. Its like rice soup. Do you like soup?
You are my top wrtinig guy around here at the moment.
You are the crown bauble in the orble writers stable when you warble like a gerbil and you're able to be awful.
keep it ooop
Comment by Luke
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Awesome Food
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