The Groovy Adventures of Matt Locke: Job - Part 5
September 22nd 2006 04:22
Matt sits on a bench outside the main plaza of town, he looks dejected from losing job after job. Addy, a rather weedish and annoying acquaintance of Matt, sits next to him.
Matt: (sarcastically) What do you ‘have’ for me?
Addy: A job. I’ll pay you.
Matt: I’m sorry, but I draw the line at selling my body… to you, anyway.
Addy makes a low groaning sound at being insulted and shakes his head.
Matt: A proper job?
Addy: Yeah.
Matt: Like Columbo?
Addy: (Getting stressed out) NOOO! I’ll pay you to do all my household chores.
Matt raises an eyebrow.
Matt: Ah, fuck it. Why not?
Leif sits at home on the lounge. A week or so has gone by. It is woefully apparent that no housework whatsoever has been done in the already crappy-looking house. Leif’s clothes are un-ironed. He is also unshaven and appears to be completely at one with the lounge and TV.
The door unlocks and Matt comes walking in. He is wearing a suit, his tie is loose and his hair messy. He looks beat. He collapses onto the lounge next to Leif.
Matt: Hey.
Leif: Ooh baby, check out the wool on that one.
Matt: What are you watching?
Leif: Sheep dog trials.
Matt grunts in acknowledgement. He looks around the place and then scrunches his face up.
Matt: Leif, this room smells!
Leif: It was fine until you came home.
Matt: (not biting) What’s for dinner?
Leif: I had to improvise, so I made a ‘special’ soup.
Leif: I ate it all.
Matt: (angry) Fuck you! I go out and work all day, earning us money and you don’t do a single bit of housework! And on top of that you can’t even make me dinner! And this room does smell, and it’s not me!
Leif seems unmoved, his eyes are still glued to the TV.
Leif: Relax. I made you a sandwich.
Matt: (still angry) Where is it?
Leif: Under the lounge cushion.
Matt: Which one?
Leif: This one.
Leif leans over and farts. Matt goes berko, he picks up a beer can from the floor and pelts it at Leif’s head. He then picks up some more and does the same. Leif cowers and then looks at Matt, annoyed.
Leif: Hey! Go and get yourself something to eat you lazy turd-burglar.
Matt gets up grumbling and walks off to the kitchen. Leif watches him.
Leif: What exactly is this job of yours anyway? You haven’t mentioned it at all.
Matt looks embarrassed. He is ashamed of his working for Addy.
Matt: (lying) I work in an office. Why else would I wear this suit?
Leif: Doing what?
Matt: Um… I oil the wheelie chairs.
Matt winces. That was a bad lie. Leif seems unimpressed though, and goes back to watching his TV.
Leif: That softcock joyous carrybag sugar-boy Addy called for you this afternoon.
Matt freezes.
Matt: Yeah…?
Leif: He said he’d call you back.
Matt breathes a sigh of relief and then walks into the kitchen.
The kitchen looks like a bomb has hit it. There is food and flies everywhere. A rat scuttles across the bench, and there are cockroaches clustering around the over-filled bin. Buzz is crouched on top of the sink, for easy access to the cupboard, and is eating mayonnaise out of the jar with his hands.
Matt: You fucking animals!!!
Leif: (from the other room) What?
Matt: That’s it, I’m sick of your sick. While I’m out earning the dosh in this house, you’ll live under my rules. All you ever do is sit at home and watch TV. Well, from now on you’ll clean this house and clean it good! When I get home I don’t wanna see any unwashed clothes, food scraps or wildlife!
Leif: Settle down.
Buzz laughs and throws a glob of mayo at Matt. It splatters all over his jacket.
Matt: And you! I’m sick of your freeloading. Get down from there and get out!
Buzz: No!
Matt starts trying to pull Buzz down, who retaliates by scooping the mayo out all over Matt’s head.
TO BE CONTINUED…
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