THE GROOVY ADVENTURES OF MATT LOCKE: JOB - PART 4
September 15th 2006 08:11
Matt is back at home, he sits at the kitchen table, his head buried in his hands and his tie undone. Leif sits opposite him, annoyed and agitated.
Leif: So, what happened?
Matt looks up, his eyes wide as he struggles to form a sentence on behalf of his own failure.
Matt: Couldn’t… control… sexual… urges.
Leif: What the fuck are you talking about?
Leif looks furious and stands up, slamming a hand down on the table.
Leif: Can’t you operate with some dignity at least once in your life?
Matt: You don’t understand! She was like a magnificent Christmas ham! I had to have her, I had to…
Leif: Enough! (Leif starts to pace) This is more hopeless than an Amish wedding night. Right. You’re going to have to avoid any place that attracts fat chicks…
Matt looks horrified.
Leif: …So that rules out most shoe-stores and retail chains.
Matt: Well, what am I gonna do?
Leif pulls Matt out of his seat and pushes him back towards the front door.
Leif: Get out there and get a bloody job!
We see Matt, back in town, looking for a job. His demeanor is nothing short of pathetic and lost, we watch him amble into a Butcher’s shop.
Butcher: A job, hey?
Matt: Yeah, I really like meat, y’know?
Butcher: Do you have any previous experience in meat?
Matt: Well, I do cook a lot of bacon. And snags are always a goer when we’ve got mates ‘round.
The Butcher chuckles.
Butcher: Oh well, I guess it couldn’t hurt to give you a shot…
We see Matt dressed in a butcher’s blue-and-white-striped apron, standing behind the counter. A little old lady waddles up to him.
Matt: Hello there miss, what can I get ya?
The little old lady seems unsure, she points to a large phallic-shaped sausage.
Little Old Lady: What’s that sausage?
Matt: (trying not to laugh) It’s a clobassi. Massive, isn’t it?
Little Old Lady: Oh yes. It’s very, very big.
Matt: Do you want the whole thing? I daresay you’ll have trouble fitting it in.
Little Old Lady: Sorry?
Matt: (winking) You know, ‘fitting it in’. Up ya cunt. Cause it’s shaped like a massive wang.
The little old lady looks mortified.
We see Matt pushed out of the shop, the Butcher screaming red-faced at him from the store. Matt wanders off down the street.
We cut to an upper-class coffee shop, Matt is pulling an apron tight around his waist, the manager of the shop is handing two cappuccinos to Matt.
Manager: Okay, Mathew. Take these over to table number 4 and ask them if they want anything else.
Matt trundles over to the table, the Manager watching him as he goes. He puts the two cappuccinos onto the table in front of the customers, some rather effeminate-looking young men.
Matt: Coupla poof-drinks for ya. Want anything else lads?
One of the two looks embarrassed, the other offended.
Man: I beg your pardon? What did you just say?
Matt: Do you want anything else? Like some biscuits or a cake or something.
Man: No, before that. You said ‘poof-drinks’.
Matt: (chuckling) Oh yeah, the capo-whatchacallits. Bit gay aren’t they?
The man looks horrified.
Matt: What? Sorry? Do you like the cock or something? Like, in your arse and stuff?
We see the manager storming over from behind Matt.
We see Matt sitting outside the main plaza, on a bench, looking dejected. A pigeon flaps about near his feat and he tries to kick it away, annoyed. A rather nerdish looking guy with an overly large head and sheepish demeanor comes slinking towards Matt and sits next to him on the seat. This is Addy, a ‘friend’ of Matt and Leif’s.
Addy
Addy: Hi Matt. How’s it “hanging”.
Addy laughs at his pathetic attempt at humour.
Matt: Fuck off Addy.
Addy: That’s not a very nice thing to say. Maybe you should be more considerate about other people’s feeling before you say a swearword.
Matt glares at Addy warningly, Addy edges a bit away, but still remains on the bench.
Addy: Buzz told me you’re looking for a job.
Matt grunts in acknowledgement.
Addy: I might have something for you.
Matt looks at Addy suspiciously.
Matt: What?
| 51 |
| Vote |
Subscribe to this blog
