KFC AND HOW TO FIX IT
November 29th 2006 09:15
I hate KFC the same way that a junkie hates heroin. Kentucky Fried Chicken is a pus-filled blister on the skin of society, festering and growing and spreading like disease. The Colonel is one of the few truly evil entities to be born from human nature. Anyway, this is all irrelevant. I’m here to fix KFC. For too long it has hidden behind double-speak and consumerist intentions… the chicken is about as fresh as Estelle Getty’s grandma. I feel that if KFC is going to be the way that it is it might as well go for glory.
Chips:
Too healthy. I say – more salt, cook them in as much grease as possible. I’m talking gallons of the shit. Tell the pimple-faced youth slaving away at them to stop holding allusions that they will do away with their acne and to cease all anti-pimple treatments immediately. Cooking is hot… acne revels in sweat. Imagine all the zit-soaked perspiration that is going to drip onto these chips. I mean, sure, it happens already, but imagine how much better it would be if the kids just let the pimples fester to their natural vanishing point of collusion with boils, sweat, scars and whatever else finds the teenager’s face such a hotbed of disease-celebration. Chips face-goo = yum.
Chicken:
The fact that only one in four fat fucks dies from an instant heart attack when they bite into the Colonel’s tumour-filled chicken is testament to how disgustingly healthy it really is. THIS ISN’T GOOD ENOUGH. More grease, more lard, cook it in faecal matter if you have to. LET’S GET THOSE FAT CUNTS KEELING OVER AT LEAST 50% OF THE TIME.
Popcorn Chicken:
What the fuck is this shit anyway? Up the batter you cunts, at least as much batter as there is chicken. And salt. In fact, there should be so much salt that you have to swallow the equivalent of two tablespoons of it before you even taste a hint of chicken.
Coleslaw:
Coleslaw is fucking fucked anyway. The only way I could imagine KFC improving their coleslaw is if they pumped two litres of condensed oil and fat into it, removed the sauces and plants, and chucked in some of their chicken for good measure.
Burgers:
No more lettuce. Replace sauce with just oil. When you say bacon, you mean spam, SO JUST FUCKING PUT A WAD OF SPAM ON IT ALREADY. As for pineapple, if you have to put it on there at least coat it in batter first.
Mashed Potato & Gravy:
Fuck off.
Mayonnaise:
As if the manager isn’t personally sticking his dick into as many food products as possible anyway. You might as well get the whole crew to squeeze smegma and flap fungus out onto each burger. Oh, did I say chicken? I meant POSSIBLE chicken. It’s like Russian Roulette… will my burger be rat or pigeon? WHO GIVES A FUCK, MMMMM TASTE THAT YUMMY JUICE WHEN YOU BITE INTO THE MEAT. GURGLE GURGLE!
FUCK OFF COLONEL SANDERS YOU CUNT! I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE UP TO, DON’T PRETEND WE’RE FRIENDS. I EAT YOUR CHICKEN BECAUSE YOU PUMP IT FULL OF STEROIDS AND ADDICTIVE CHEMICALS. YOU’RE A GODDAMN PIMP.
Chips:
Too healthy. I say – more salt, cook them in as much grease as possible. I’m talking gallons of the shit. Tell the pimple-faced youth slaving away at them to stop holding allusions that they will do away with their acne and to cease all anti-pimple treatments immediately. Cooking is hot… acne revels in sweat. Imagine all the zit-soaked perspiration that is going to drip onto these chips. I mean, sure, it happens already, but imagine how much better it would be if the kids just let the pimples fester to their natural vanishing point of collusion with boils, sweat, scars and whatever else finds the teenager’s face such a hotbed of disease-celebration. Chips face-goo = yum.
Chicken:
The fact that only one in four fat fucks dies from an instant heart attack when they bite into the Colonel’s tumour-filled chicken is testament to how disgustingly healthy it really is. THIS ISN’T GOOD ENOUGH. More grease, more lard, cook it in faecal matter if you have to. LET’S GET THOSE FAT CUNTS KEELING OVER AT LEAST 50% OF THE TIME.
Popcorn Chicken:
What the fuck is this shit anyway? Up the batter you cunts, at least as much batter as there is chicken. And salt. In fact, there should be so much salt that you have to swallow the equivalent of two tablespoons of it before you even taste a hint of chicken.
Coleslaw:
Coleslaw is fucking fucked anyway. The only way I could imagine KFC improving their coleslaw is if they pumped two litres of condensed oil and fat into it, removed the sauces and plants, and chucked in some of their chicken for good measure.
Burgers:
No more lettuce. Replace sauce with just oil. When you say bacon, you mean spam, SO JUST FUCKING PUT A WAD OF SPAM ON IT ALREADY. As for pineapple, if you have to put it on there at least coat it in batter first.
Mashed Potato & Gravy:
Fuck off.
Mayonnaise:
As if the manager isn’t personally sticking his dick into as many food products as possible anyway. You might as well get the whole crew to squeeze smegma and flap fungus out onto each burger. Oh, did I say chicken? I meant POSSIBLE chicken. It’s like Russian Roulette… will my burger be rat or pigeon? WHO GIVES A FUCK, MMMMM TASTE THAT YUMMY JUICE WHEN YOU BITE INTO THE MEAT. GURGLE GURGLE!
FUCK OFF COLONEL SANDERS YOU CUNT! I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE UP TO, DON’T PRETEND WE’RE FRIENDS. I EAT YOUR CHICKEN BECAUSE YOU PUMP IT FULL OF STEROIDS AND ADDICTIVE CHEMICALS. YOU’RE A GODDAMN PIMP.
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Comment by Deorre
Stress Alive
Man Lessons
Comment by Questionable Content
-2 points for overusing profanity without being clever about it.
Other than that, I agree with your line of thinking that KFC gives me the shits.
Comment by LaurenD
I had to share the love.
LaurenD
Comment by Questionable Content
Comment by Luke
Book Club
Old Movies
Cane Toad Warrior
Comment by KylieW
Celebrity Obsession
It's been a while since I've laughed like that. Great post. I especially like the line coleslaw is fucking fucked anyway.
I may never eat KFC again (not that I like it anyway) especially after the crew have been squeezing smegma and flap fungus onto the burgers!
KylieW
Comment by Ragin Cajun
Observer's Post
Death By Myopia