Am I the next Jesus Christ?
October 10th 2006 08:39
They say that Jesus will return to us all one day and that this will be known as ‘The Second Coming’ (there was a TV show in Britain about this but I haven’t seen it, and it’s just a TV show and this is about the real world so anyway…) I have good reason to believe that I am this Second Coming, here’s the evidence:
A few days ago I bought a packet of Fruit Mentos. For anyone unfamiliar with Fruit Mentos, they are chewy dragees and this particular packet has three different flavoured dragees in it – lemon (yellow), orange (orange) and strawberry (pink). Everyone hates the yellow ones, they’re just shit. Anyway I bought a packet and I’ve been eating them for the last few days and THERE HASN’T BEEN A SINGLE YELLOW ONE IN IT. It was brilliant, a true miracle. Proof that I’m the chosen one. Why else would God favour me so? What are the odds of there being a whole third of the flavours not turning up in a packet? Fairly slim and of somewhat biblical proportions (if you’ll excuse the pun… no wait, you don’t have to excuse anything, if I’m the son of God I can say whatever I want).
If you still doubt this divine evidence here are some other things to take into account…
1. I once picked up two random socks off my floor and they were both clean. This is an astounding and near-impossible piece of luck.
2. I once turned the television on and it was already on the channel I wanted it to be on.
3. When I was woken up by the radio the other day it was playing a song that I liked.
4. I walked into a public toilet cubicle and there wasn’t shit smeared on the seat or pan.
And so, having said that, I’d like to say: I rest my case. All worship will be duly accepted from this point on. As the Second Coming I will try and do my best, but if I don’t do my best at all and you think it’s your place to tell me this just remember who my alleged dad is and what he can do to you. Check out the Old Testament for a reminder, he kills whole families and shit for going against him it’s like the mafia only more powerful and more vengeful. I always knew I was special.
A few days ago I bought a packet of Fruit Mentos. For anyone unfamiliar with Fruit Mentos, they are chewy dragees and this particular packet has three different flavoured dragees in it – lemon (yellow), orange (orange) and strawberry (pink). Everyone hates the yellow ones, they’re just shit. Anyway I bought a packet and I’ve been eating them for the last few days and THERE HASN’T BEEN A SINGLE YELLOW ONE IN IT. It was brilliant, a true miracle. Proof that I’m the chosen one. Why else would God favour me so? What are the odds of there being a whole third of the flavours not turning up in a packet? Fairly slim and of somewhat biblical proportions (if you’ll excuse the pun… no wait, you don’t have to excuse anything, if I’m the son of God I can say whatever I want).
If you still doubt this divine evidence here are some other things to take into account…
1. I once picked up two random socks off my floor and they were both clean. This is an astounding and near-impossible piece of luck.
2. I once turned the television on and it was already on the channel I wanted it to be on.
3. When I was woken up by the radio the other day it was playing a song that I liked.
4. I walked into a public toilet cubicle and there wasn’t shit smeared on the seat or pan.
And so, having said that, I’d like to say: I rest my case. All worship will be duly accepted from this point on. As the Second Coming I will try and do my best, but if I don’t do my best at all and you think it’s your place to tell me this just remember who my alleged dad is and what he can do to you. Check out the Old Testament for a reminder, he kills whole families and shit for going against him it’s like the mafia only more powerful and more vengeful. I always knew I was special.
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Comment by Little Angry Doll
Falling Haiku Leaf
Love this post!
Comment by Keira
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