Guide to the World - Cane Toad Warrior

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Guide to the World - Cane Toad Warrior

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Pointless Fashion Continues!

September 28th 2006 10:57

Menopause was not kind to Pauline.

Anyone noticed those bands of material that chicks are wearing around their waist over the tops of their jeans? WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH THIS STUPID LOOKING PIECE OF FASHION NONSENSE? Someone tried to tell me that it was to stop the arse-crack from showing when girls wear hipsters... um, pray tell, WHAT WOULD BE THE POINT OF WEARING HIPSTERS THEN?

THIS LATEST DEVELOPMENT IN THE FASHION WORLD ISN'T SO MUCH A SHOCK, IT'S MORE AN OBNOXIOUS GESTURE DESIGNED TO MAKE ME WANT TO DOUSE THE GIRLS WEARING THEM IN PETROL JUST SO I CAN SET THEM ALIGHT AND SEE THE OFFENDING ARTICLES PERISH IN THE PROCESS. NOW, I'M NOT A VIOLENT PERSON, I JUST LIKE TYPING IN CAPS AND USING HYPERBOLE TO HIGHLIGHT MY DISLIKE FOR THIS LATEST EXERCISE IN MODERN STUPIDY.

Ladies, I implore you, if you don't want us to see your arse-crack THEN WEAR SOME PANTS THAT FIT PROPERLY.

Besides, a hint of arse-crack can be very sexy on a woman, don't cover it up!

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Posted By: Luke - Category: Guide to the World

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A recipe on how to be awesome

September 27th 2006 10:50

Accept no substitutes… Marmite and Promite are fucked and were designed as a prank on poms.

Okay, this is a recipe that came via my brother Jon, via one of his mates, via the pub. Normally I don’t trust handed-down recipes, but I’ll make an exception in this case because the path of transmission seems fairly trustworthy. Now… this is a fairly simple recipe and a surefire way to impress a chick, your mates or even your mum.

First, you get a bit of steak, ay? You let it defrost and all that shit, and you get some great big wads of fresh salty vegemite and you smear it all over the steak. Let this sit for a few hours, in the fridge if you must, and watch some telly or clean out your ears while you wait. Afternoon telly can be pretty good, especially if there’s the Bill on or something, so maybe try and do it in the afternoon.

Okay, so after a few hours, the steak’s juices should have helped the vegemite soak in and stuff – they call it marinade in the cooking business, but we don’t really need to know any fancy words like that as long as we can do it, right? Anyway, we now turn on the stove and get a fry pan out, chuck in your butter or oil or whatever and then whack your steak on. Simple as that. Let it cook and you should cop a mad wafting of vegemite and meat juice. Awesome.

Dig in and enjoy.

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Posted By: Luke - Category: Guide to the World

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MT. DRUITT MAIL ORDER MINGERS

September 20th 2006 13:26

FORGET RUSSIA!
FORGET THE PHILLIPINES!

PRESENTING
MT. DRUITT MAIL-ORDER MINGERS!

MAIL-ORDER BRIDES FROM YOUR OWN BACKYARD!

* Runs on cigarettes and maccas.

* Will never go to the police no matter how hard you hit her.

* Won’t make you use a condom – she’s all for the baby bonus!

* Adept at collecting welfare.

* Has a creative spirit – especially when it comes to naming babies, eg. T’Neeka, Brayden, Kushton.

* Disciplinarian – you can tell by the cigarette scars on her kids arms that they don’t need telling twice!

* Can piss standing up.

* Extensive collection of Australian true crime books and ‘That’s Life’ magazine issues.

* Doesn’t mind photography during sex.

Mt. Druitt Mail Order Mingers! - website.

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Posted By: Luke - Category: Guide to the World

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How to Let a Woman Know you Love Her

September 14th 2006 08:06

HOW TO LET A WOMAN KNOW YOU LOVE HER

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Posted By: Luke - Category: Guide to the World

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The Mighty Snot Rag

September 4th 2006 07:32

THE MIGHTY SNOT RAG

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Posted By: Luke - Category: Guide to the World

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Doodle Talk

August 21st 2006 07:39

By scratching my balls openly and excessively I will ensure people realize I am a man"

Welcome to the newest Cane Toad Warrior column. Here we will discuss all things doodle-orientated. This week’s topic is… how long can one scratch their own testes without being considered rude? I feel this to be a rather complex issue because – a) like it or not, ballbags need scratching, b) non-ballbag owners can be offended by this, and c) excessive handling can cause embarrassment

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Posted By: Luke - Category: Guide to the World

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Trolley Boys

August 11th 2006 07:45

Alongside Ants, Trolley Boys would have to be one of my most despised enemies. 90% of them are social-retards, and the other 10% are just plain fuckwits. They sit around the back dock of shopping centres, dribbling and leering, looking for reasons to hassle me out whenever I have to go out there to put rubbish in the bins. If I try to borrow a trolley they stop me and go off at me, if I bring a trolley back to them they demand I take it to one of the shops (doing their job for them), and if I try to do that some other trolley spastic will take it off me and tell me off for ‘stealing’ their trolley. They’re ugly, lazy, lacking in social-skills, lazy, rude, riddled with inferiority complexes, lazy, and smell. Below you will note an accurate and scientific scale drawing of a trolley boy, please note the labels, clockwise from top.

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Posted By: Luke - Category: Guide to the World

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An Ode to the Greater (Greatest) West

August 10th 2006 07:17

A top sort behaving appropriately. maaaaaate!

Sydney, at best, is a shit hole, but so is everywhere else. There seems to be a lot of snobbery directed from the inner quarters of Sydney out to it’s west… a sort of elitist mentality. The west is Sydney’s last frontier, like the old west of America; the law doesn’t have much to say and outlaws roam wherever they please. This automatically makes me tougher than anyone from anywhere else in Sydney, even though I am quite weak back in Penrith. I can walk up to a group of north shore dickheads and I automatically know I am better than them because of this. Someone from Penrith who's into star trek is even tougher than the toughest normal person from the north shore.

We have a pond outside the gym in Penrith… there are big tough geese that live there. I go down and hang out with them, and we do heaps of westie things. We go to the pub, and drink beer out of schooner glasses (none of this midi shit). We eat real food - big giant chicken schnitzels, dripping with meaty juiciness. No bloody salads either. The geese love eating the chicken. We grow our hair long at the back and short at the front, mullet-style, and we go down to the T.A.B. to make a bit of extra so we can shout the kids some Maccas on a Friday night. We hang out at centrelink and make scenes when the dole queue is too long, because we’re tough and we know we can get away with it. Sometimes we just go to the RSL and play the pokies all day long

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Posted By: Luke - Category: Guide to the World

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