Guide to the World - Cane Toad Warrior

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Guide to the World - Cane Toad Warrior

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Thinness and Fatness

December 26th 2006 23:52

I saw this chick in the plaza the other day, she was so thin it made me sick to look at her. Her arms were so thin, her elbows were wider then the bits on either side. Sickening. How could someone that far gone NOT be unhealthy?

I find it easier to look at fat chicks than abnormally thin ones. Seeing bones makes me ill... whilst staring at a fatty can be almost mesmerising. Like a great big white fluffy cloud… only struck through with varicose veins and lumps of cellulite. Mmm, a bit like KFC really.

Seriously though, the extremes are unhealthy, but at least a fatty more than likely knows they are unhealthy. These skeletal walking-dead make me squeamish with their psychological blindness and visible rib-cages. URGH!

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Christmas Time. What the...

December 21st 2006 11:16

Yes, what the fuck indeed.

Due to working in retail I have a lot of mixed feelings about Christmas. If we could take away all it has become, or weedle down the population enough so that it isn’t like a cattle-call whenever you walk into a shopping centre during December, Christmas would be tops for me.

To those of you on holidays, good luck to ya, more power to ya. Hopefully this year I’ll be joining you for a day or two, for some beers, some bocci on the lawn, good food and good friends, and merry companionship. Usually, having worked in retail for the last five years (on and off), I don’t get any time off apart from Christmas and Boxing Day. But I should get at least four days off this year, which is a respite I look forward to.

In the shops, people turn into monsters around Christmas. For some the season of holiday cheer and commercial veneer brings out the best in them. These are the customers which make the days less worthless. But the arseholes… Oh my god, the arseholes…

Today I went to Red Rooster for lunch, the line was long and turgid, slow too – Red Rooster should never truthfully claim ‘fast’ food status. The staff were all under 18, there seemed to be no apparent manager on duty, and they were evidently struggling. Apparently they were out of whole chickens (!) and a few people were getting impatient whilst waiting on their bulk catering. A couple in line behind me just moaned and bitched and groaned and moaned continuously. “They should all be fired”, “Look at her she isn’t doing anything”, “The manager’s probably out the back the lazy so-and-so”, etc, etc. It made me ill. This couple should have just fucked off, really. Why wait in line for that long and whinge and whine? You might as well take your business elsewhere. The staff are getting paid about 7 dollars an hour (or less), it’s a part time job that no one else will do, what do you want from them? Have a bit of compassion, understanding, patience, common sense, intelligence and lack of fuckwitness.

One woman was going nuts because her catering hadn’t been done yet and she’d been waiting for twenty minutes and she kept berating the poor girl on duty, continuously calling her by her first name (reading from the badge) in a really mean way as if it was the girl’s fault. The worst offender in the queue from hell though was the waddling white trash mum in front of me. She had a coupon and when it was refused for being out-of-date she just left. Why the fuck would you wait in line for twenty minutes only to leave because you can’t save $2? Is your time really worth so little that you’d rather waste it then spend an extra coin? Too much time and not enough talent. Anyway, I’ve rambled enough.

I like Christmas, I really do. All my friends are out and about more, there’s lots of food to be eaten, New Year’s Eve is just around the corner. But Christmas is only good because of the company I keep, everything else – the shops, the fervent arseholes of yuletide non-cheer, the mean spiritedness of capitalism and the overall sloth that drenches it all – can go to hell.

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12 Really Bad Christmas Presents

December 15th 2006 04:34

Christmas is for everyone!

1. A used sock.
2. Random passport photos you found on the floor of the plaza photobooth.
3. Out-of-date condoms.
4. Dire Straits CDs.
5. Empty beer bottles.
6. Spam.
7. Signed photos of yourself.
8. Toenail clippers.
9. Rainbow skivvies.
10. Funeral vouchers.
11. Tampons.
12. A holiday in Newcastle.

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SOME GREAT CHRISTMAS DINNER IDEAS

December 7th 2006 10:46

1. Make some toast. Pull your pants down and squeeze some shit out onto it. When they remark on it’s excruciatingly similar appearance, smell, texture and taste to poo, tell them it is and that they should fuck off.

2. Smash them in the head with a brick

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Xmas Facts and Fun

December 5th 2006 08:00

* St Nicholas Day was the original gift-giving day, and it took place on December 6th

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KFC AND HOW TO FIX IT

November 29th 2006 09:15

I hate KFC the same way that a junkie hates heroin. Kentucky Fried Chicken is a pus-filled blister on the skin of society, festering and growing and spreading like disease. The Colonel is one of the few truly evil entities to be born from human nature. Anyway, this is all irrelevant. I’m here to fix KFC. For too long it has hidden behind double-speak and consumerist intentions… the chicken is about as fresh as Estelle Getty’s grandma. I feel that if KFC is going to be the way that it is it might as well go for glory.

Chips

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The Barter System makes a Cum-back!

November 27th 2006 07:03

I was watching that most reputable of journalistic programs, Today Tonight, the other day and they had a story about a female divorcee who could not afford to have her derelict house renovated (obviously she couldn’t work cause, well, she’s a woman!) and anyway… the community around her were in a hoo-har because she advertised 1 hour of her time (IE. Sexual favours) for 5 hours of renovation work for any tradies out there who were hard up for some hard shagging. Anyways, it worked and she got her house looking pretty schmick, you could really see that a lot of cum, sweat and tears had gone into it.

Now, I don’t really think it’s anyone’s business how she gets by but I reckon she could be onto something pretty good here… she could go down to Woolies and offer a blowjob in exchange for her groceries if she doesn’t have any cash on her, or if the newspaper boy comes round with the newspaper and she doesn’t have the right change she could just give him a quick one off the wrist instead. I imagine, for the really big things, she’d progress to anal and bukkake-fun and what-have-you. Maybe when she needs a light globe changed and she can’t reach it or just can’t be fucked she might call the guy across the road over and ask him to oblige her in exchange for a gash-flash. And if her kids don’t have the right bus fare for the school bus or maybe they’ve lost their bus pass she could probably just give them some saucy photos to give to the bus driver in exchange for a free ride

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Escalator Etiquette

November 17th 2006 05:37

What's with this? It's not a fucking ride, why just stand there for the entire duration? There's nothing worse than trying to get somewhere in a hurry and you get stuck behind some dickhead who refuses to even budge an inch while there's still a few seconds of escalation left to go

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How to Make A Taxi Ride More Entertaining.

November 15th 2006 05:35

1. Ask how much he would charge for a blowjob. (I’ve done this one, his reaction was pretty funny)
2. Start the ride off with the phrase “how bout those immigrants” or “so, the government – what do you think?”
3. Throw up

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102

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The Duckmole

November 13th 2006 08:52

Fig. 1

There has been a longstanding tradition in Australia to let visitors to our country know about the Koala’s somewhat ferocious cousin, The Drop Bear. Unfortunately the Drop Bear is a mostly fictitious creation, inspired partially by another shady member of Australia’s animal kingdom, a creature that has been covered up by our tourism office and government for a long time now. This creature is the Duckmole, a vicious and unrelentingly nasty mammal with an insatiable taste for human blood

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And the Clock Strikes One! : Drunk

October 31st 2006 08:59

Okay. I’m sure many of you have been here before. You’re at home. Some mates are ‘round, and you’ve been guzzling rounds of beer. It gets past 10 pm. All the nearest bottle-los are now closed, and no one is in a state to drive at this point anyway. You keep drinking, blissfully unaware that you are about exhaust your supply. And then it happens. You go to the fridge to pull out the next round and you come to the shocking realisation that there is no beer left. NOOOOOOOOO

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The Art of Laziness?

October 17th 2006 13:16

A few handy tips on how to cut down on wasting energy (and just on generally being a rad dude

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When stuff makes you angry - Fruit Juice!

October 9th 2006 08:34

Oh man… those frew-jew places or whatever they’re called. The fruit-juice chains with the chicks in the black shirts who give you ‘chocnana’ drinks and shit like that. Boost is another one, that’s the one with the really annoying ad on TV where some dumb slut does a little burp at the end of it. HAHAHAHA YEAH GOOD ONE. YOU BURPED. I bet it was fucking dubbed over her opening her mouth or some shit, and it isn’t even a decent burp, it was fucking pissweak. Anyway, back to these fruit juice places… WHAT A FUCKING JOKE. I was having a rant about this to someone today. Five fucking bucks for some pureed banana. You could buy a blender for $20 and spend 60 cents on a piece of fruit and make it yourself EVERY DAY rather than buy a fucking jug of cumquat squeeze for a note all the time. It’s almost as bad as the whole bottled water craze… spending two bucks on water that DOESN’T EVEN HAVE FLUORIDE IN IT! IT’S NOT EVEN AS HEALTHY AS TAP WATER, LET ALONE MORE HEALTHY AND WORTH MONEY. Yeah, I know what all the lefties are saying, ‘blah blah blah Che Guevara rules’ and some shit about fluoride in water being bad for you, ah what a fucking crock why don’t you just brush your teeth with dog shit. Every time you buy a fruju or a bottle of water there is a fat cunt sitting somewhere at a desk with a fucked up little pony tail hanging down the back of his $500 Armani suit-collar just laughing his arse out while he licks the cash off his fingers like it was grease, and fucks a plastic-sheened high-class whore. These cunts wipe their arse with your flag and you pay them for it. IT’S NOT AS IF FRUIT GROWS ON TREES OR ANYTHING.

NEWSFLASH. Fingering platypuses cures arthritis!

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Posted By: Luke - Category: Guide to the World

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Toilet Review

October 8th 2006 11:33

Readying myself to review the premises

Too often toilets get ignored by the so-called 'critics'. Sure, you can look in a newspaper, or a magazine, or a blog, or watch TV, and see some farty old fart farter reviewing a newspaper, or a magazine, or a blog, or a television show, but maaaaaaaan, why don't none of these cats wanna review toilets

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