GUIDE TO RIDING THE BUS
February 28th 2007 04:31
Welcome to daaaaa buss!!!!!
GUIDE TO GETTING A GOOD SEAT ON THE BUS
1. Make sure when you are waiting for the bus that you can be one of the first people to get to the door first.
2. Find a seat that no one else is sitting on so you do not have to sit next to anyone.
4. Find a seat up the back, this is because people who get onto a bus will sit on the closest seat possible and if you sit as far back as possible you have a better chance of not having someone come and sit next to you when they get on. The back is also better as it is raised higher than the rest of the bus in some cases - the advantage of sitting higher will be explained in point 6.
5. Find a seat which has a ‘stopping button’ above it so you do not have to lean back over someone else’s seat or move elsewhere to press the button when you want to get off.
6. Find a seat with a window sill that you can put the entire length of your arm across, sitting in the raised section of the bus up the back is better because your arm will often be more comfortable on the window sills there, this being because your arm does not have to be raised to accomadate the height of the window sills.
8. Never sit next to someone who is drooling.
THE CODE OF THE BUS
1. If you are getting onto the bus with some mates and there are plenty of seats available there is no need to sit on the same seat as your friend, not only are you both cramped for no reason but it may cast incorrect dispersions on your sexuality.
2. If you are sitting on the back seat and someone is sitting in one corner then you are obliged to sit in the other corner, sitting right up next to the other person by placing yourself in the middle of the seat is a bit silly.
3. If the bus is full and you must stand you should be standing up the front and leaning on the bar there, any other spot is just cramping the place up.
4. If you are waiting for a bus you should put your hand out to signal the driver as many of them are unaware of their surroundings (not unlike a Volvo driver) or low in IQ. If the bus still goes by (due to the inane stupidity of the bus driver) you should be prepared to give them a one-fingered salute.
5. When leaving the bus you should give the driver a word of thanks, try being original yet not too much of a smart arse, ‘Cheers’ is usually a good word of thanks to give to a bus driver – however in some cases ‘Fuckoff shithead’ may suit the driver better.
A FEW POINTERS AND TIPS
1. Never sit on the chair facing sideways at the front, you may be tricked into sitting there
on smaller buses by the fact that it is a one seater, but you will soon find out why
this seat is usually empty. Not only is it reserved for elderly people, pregnant ladies, the
physically handicapped and people of an overly flatulent nature, but you will be facing
another seat, and nine times out of ten the person you will be facing will be someone you
do not know. This will either cause you to be constantly looking to the front of the bus,
thus getting a stiff neck, or staring like an insane fool at someone you do not know. This
entire situation can be worse if you are facing another sideways seat (as with the bigger
buses) as they are not one-seaters (thus you will be sitting next to someone else as the
seat is up the front and partially empty – refer to point 4 of Guide to Good Seats) and you
will be directly facing a complete stranger. Solution: DON’T SIT ON THE SIDWAYS
SEATS!
2. If you find yourself seated next to an overly friendly senior citizen, a wide-eyed yobbo
speed-junkie or a fat, toothless mother whose overall appearance disgusts you, and they
start trying to talk to you, do not under any circumstances encourage conversation. Limit
your answers to either one syllable words or humming noises. Or if you are feeling
especially crafty and cunning you could pretend that you don’t speak English, or that
you are mute or deaf, or that you have a speech impediment and an incredibly low mental
capacity which causes you to shower saliva on your fellow commuter whenever you open
your mouth to speak. These feigned communicative obstacles will help discourage conversation from said strangers.
3. Keep your eyes on the window, do not dwell on the other occupants of the bus as making eye contact with other commuters could lead to all sorts of things – many of them bad. If you concentrate on what is outside of the bus you will often have a pleasant, trouble-free trip.
4. Make sure you do not miss your stop, this can be a real pain in the arse when it happens and a lot of bus drivers can be cocks and refuse to stop until the next 'official' stop.
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