Fear of the Academy Awards
February 23rd 2007 09:38
This is a little announcement I wrote around the time of the Oscars last year, or it could've been the Oscars during the year before that.
It may have come to your attention that I have been absent from the internet for two days. Or it may not have (you blase fools!).
Basically, I was trying to avoid the internet in fear of Oscar spoilers. I wasn't taking any chances. Unfortunately, I also had to avoid television and contact with the outside world (filled with hapless passing strangers who may have happened to be conversing and SPOILING the Oscars within earshot of me - if I'd given them the chance).
I tried to read to pass the time, but I was too excited by the impending Oscars to be able to concentrate on anything.
This meant I had nothing to do.
So I wrapped my head in wool (a scarf, some earmuffs, and a leather deerstalker I bought from Disposals for $12 about four or five years ago) and - despite the extreme discomfort and strange looks it caused - ventured outside in the hope of procuring a copy of the new Empire magazine.
I crossed the road to avoid conversing with people. I averted eyes from potential madmen looking to spoil the Oscars by shouting newly-gained information about the winners at me. I even punched a little girl in the head. This had nothing to do with the Oscars or my paranoia, it was just something I felt like doing.
So I get to the Newsagents and look for Empire magazine. No luck.
I asked the clerk at the desk, warning her not to attempt any form of spoiling. She informed me that the magazine was not due out for at least a week. I cursed.
It was during my journey back home that I was promptly kidnapped and bundled up into the back of the van.
"Luke Bartolo?"
It was dark. I was disorientated, and hot from the multiple layers muffling my face.
"No", I replied.
I felt the hot smack of fist connect with my head.
"OKAY, YES!" I shouted, "What do you want?"
"It has come to our attention that you have been attempting a leisurely day without the internet. Is this true?"
"Fuck-yes!"
Another smack to the head.
"WHAT?!"
"You are NOT to spend any more days away from it. Do you understand?"
"Yeah, whatever, I'll have a look tomorrow..."
"LOOK. If you spend any more time away from the internet we'll have to kill you. At the moment the internet is all that keeps you from engaging in some form of useful creativity, the Governments of the world can't afford to have you attempting any such thing. So, for the good of modern civilisation, continue wasting your time. Or we'll have to smash you".
"Um, okay, can I go now?"
"Of course", the van stops, "But before you go, here are the results of the Oscars..."
And the voice proceeded to spoil the Oscars, telling me that Lord of the Rings would win all of it's nominations, among other details. MOTHERFUCKERS.
So, just to spite them, I stayed off the internet for most of today too. That'll teach 'em.
Seriously though, Channel 9 can get fucked. What a bunch of Rupert Murdoch bum-chum cunts.
It may have come to your attention that I have been absent from the internet for two days. Or it may not have (you blase fools!).
Basically, I was trying to avoid the internet in fear of Oscar spoilers. I wasn't taking any chances. Unfortunately, I also had to avoid television and contact with the outside world (filled with hapless passing strangers who may have happened to be conversing and SPOILING the Oscars within earshot of me - if I'd given them the chance).
I tried to read to pass the time, but I was too excited by the impending Oscars to be able to concentrate on anything.
This meant I had nothing to do.
So I wrapped my head in wool (a scarf, some earmuffs, and a leather deerstalker I bought from Disposals for $12 about four or five years ago) and - despite the extreme discomfort and strange looks it caused - ventured outside in the hope of procuring a copy of the new Empire magazine.
I crossed the road to avoid conversing with people. I averted eyes from potential madmen looking to spoil the Oscars by shouting newly-gained information about the winners at me. I even punched a little girl in the head. This had nothing to do with the Oscars or my paranoia, it was just something I felt like doing.
So I get to the Newsagents and look for Empire magazine. No luck.
I asked the clerk at the desk, warning her not to attempt any form of spoiling. She informed me that the magazine was not due out for at least a week. I cursed.
It was during my journey back home that I was promptly kidnapped and bundled up into the back of the van.
It was dark. I was disorientated, and hot from the multiple layers muffling my face.
"No", I replied.
I felt the hot smack of fist connect with my head.
"OKAY, YES!" I shouted, "What do you want?"
"It has come to our attention that you have been attempting a leisurely day without the internet. Is this true?"
"Fuck-yes!"
Another smack to the head.
"WHAT?!"
"You are NOT to spend any more days away from it. Do you understand?"
"Yeah, whatever, I'll have a look tomorrow..."
"LOOK. If you spend any more time away from the internet we'll have to kill you. At the moment the internet is all that keeps you from engaging in some form of useful creativity, the Governments of the world can't afford to have you attempting any such thing. So, for the good of modern civilisation, continue wasting your time. Or we'll have to smash you".
"Um, okay, can I go now?"
"Of course", the van stops, "But before you go, here are the results of the Oscars..."
And the voice proceeded to spoil the Oscars, telling me that Lord of the Rings would win all of it's nominations, among other details. MOTHERFUCKERS.
So, just to spite them, I stayed off the internet for most of today too. That'll teach 'em.
Seriously though, Channel 9 can get fucked. What a bunch of Rupert Murdoch bum-chum cunts.
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