Dirty Water
December 14th 2006 12:17
Tap water is dirty, but strangely it doesn’t kill you. I never got sick from tap water, not that I was aware of anyway. It started in the early to mid 90s, a scare here or there (none of which resulted in death) led to a sharp rise in the buying of water filters… this in turn gave way to higher consumption of various bottled water brands. As the years went by the craze crazed on with no sign of slowing… more and more people turned away from the dirty tap water in favour of “clean and pure bottled water” (quote taken from some woman on a street somewhere).
Then one day, maybe a week from now, maybe a few years from now, there was a terrible and terrifying widespread sickness that causes bleeding from the anus, irreversible corruption of important internal organs, melting skin and a generally permanent decimation of any good looks one may be in possession of. It was the sort of disease that should only be found in U.S. Government biological warfare laboratories, sitting on a high security shelf between AIDS and Ebola. Anyway, it was bad and it only happened to people who exclusively drank bottled water. The news would’ve reported on it more only they had other things on their minds, especially since most of the news presenters had suddenly become very repulsive to the eye (and had trouble sitting down in front of a camera, or sitting down at all, due to their bleeding anuses).
A lot of people thought the country was under attack from some form of chemical or biological super weapon, or that it was a large-scale case of sabotage. But both of these suggestions were highly unlikely – how could anyone sabotage every brand of bottled water? In any event, it didn’t really matter anyway – bottled water drinkers were fucked and no one was taking responsibility for it (as much as some groups might’ve liked to). Scientists ran every conceivable test on every brand of bottled water only to find them all devoid of any kind of dangerous biological agent or disease. Some unaffected people then put their hands up and said “Hey, I drank the occasional bottled water and I’m fine” (quote randomly taken from some unaffected man who put his hand up).
It turned out that only people who still drank tap water in some quantity were unaffected. So the scientists, just for some shits and giggles, ran some tests on tap water and found a mild form of the sickness in question to be resident in it. So the disease turned out to be just some random disease that happened along (like any other disease) and had nothing to do with top secret laboratories or stuff like that. As tap water is so dirty some basic, less virulent strain of the bum-shaking, face-breaking disease had found it’s way into it, along with all the other dirty things that had dipped in over the years. Tap water drinkers had built up an immunity to it, the way they’d built up immunities to other things by gently exposing themselves to them. When this horrible and extremely contagious disease had finally gotten it’s teeth into the general population the only people susceptible to it were the clean-living bottled-water drinkers with their beautiful, delicate and vulnerable immune systems. A lot of them died, the ones who didn’t remained weak and hideously deformed for the rest of their painful lives. Bottled water wasn’t abolished, many people still refused to drink tap water – they “prefer to remain healthy” (quote taken from a disgusting and deformed freak, I couldn’t even tell if they were a man or a woman). I’ll continue to mostly drink tap water. Tap water is dirty, but what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.
Then one day, maybe a week from now, maybe a few years from now, there was a terrible and terrifying widespread sickness that causes bleeding from the anus, irreversible corruption of important internal organs, melting skin and a generally permanent decimation of any good looks one may be in possession of. It was the sort of disease that should only be found in U.S. Government biological warfare laboratories, sitting on a high security shelf between AIDS and Ebola. Anyway, it was bad and it only happened to people who exclusively drank bottled water. The news would’ve reported on it more only they had other things on their minds, especially since most of the news presenters had suddenly become very repulsive to the eye (and had trouble sitting down in front of a camera, or sitting down at all, due to their bleeding anuses).
A lot of people thought the country was under attack from some form of chemical or biological super weapon, or that it was a large-scale case of sabotage. But both of these suggestions were highly unlikely – how could anyone sabotage every brand of bottled water? In any event, it didn’t really matter anyway – bottled water drinkers were fucked and no one was taking responsibility for it (as much as some groups might’ve liked to). Scientists ran every conceivable test on every brand of bottled water only to find them all devoid of any kind of dangerous biological agent or disease. Some unaffected people then put their hands up and said “Hey, I drank the occasional bottled water and I’m fine” (quote randomly taken from some unaffected man who put his hand up).
It turned out that only people who still drank tap water in some quantity were unaffected. So the scientists, just for some shits and giggles, ran some tests on tap water and found a mild form of the sickness in question to be resident in it. So the disease turned out to be just some random disease that happened along (like any other disease) and had nothing to do with top secret laboratories or stuff like that. As tap water is so dirty some basic, less virulent strain of the bum-shaking, face-breaking disease had found it’s way into it, along with all the other dirty things that had dipped in over the years. Tap water drinkers had built up an immunity to it, the way they’d built up immunities to other things by gently exposing themselves to them. When this horrible and extremely contagious disease had finally gotten it’s teeth into the general population the only people susceptible to it were the clean-living bottled-water drinkers with their beautiful, delicate and vulnerable immune systems. A lot of them died, the ones who didn’t remained weak and hideously deformed for the rest of their painful lives. Bottled water wasn’t abolished, many people still refused to drink tap water – they “prefer to remain healthy” (quote taken from a disgusting and deformed freak, I couldn’t even tell if they were a man or a woman). I’ll continue to mostly drink tap water. Tap water is dirty, but what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.
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