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A Little Piece of Karma

February 14th 2007 11:26
I don’t really believe in kama unless it transpires between two knowing humans.
Um. Like this…
I was at work yesterday, in Westfields shopping centre, and I was just doing my thing, at work, and these two girls come in with big backpacks on and one of them goes, “Hi, this might be a really weird question but Westfields doesn’t have any storage facilities and we were wondering if we could give you some money to hold our bags for a few hours while we go shopping”.
“Er…” I look at the bags, “I won’t take any money and I won’t take responsibility for them but yeah I’ll put ‘em under our tables if you want?”

They’re heaps chuffed and stuff and they chuck their bags under the table and out of sight. I promptly forget about the whole thing and go back to work.
A few hours go by and the girl I spoke to pokes her head around the back where I am working and holds out $10 for me, “I just wanna say thanks for holding our bags and here’s some money for you”.
“Oh you don’t need to give me any of that, don’t worry about it”
“No, no, seriously, take it”
“Nah, don’t worry about it” (I start feeling embarrassed)
“No really, buy yourself some lunch or something , it’s not often you come across an honest person in the city. We really appreciate it”.
So I take the money and I feel good at the same time.
It was only a small incident but I liked it all the same.


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Bashed for 3 Dollars

February 12th 2007 09:05
The following is a true story that happened to me around 4 years ago. I had just been to a mate's place to help him celebrate the birth of his first daughter. We drank some beers and around 1:30 in the morning I decided to walk home, I only lived about twenty minutes away...




The walk through the Werro Duck Lakes was fucking scary. It was pitch black, and lots of muggings happen there. My heart beat so hard, it was all I could do not to run away from the long shadows all around me. I pulled out my remaining three dollars in the misguided hope that one of the Werro shops would be open and I could buy a cherry ripe. But it was 2 am, so nothing was open.

I got to the train station and my heart sank as I walked up to it. There were three youths there, about 16 or something, one with a big stick. They milled out around me as I walked up past them. One of them asked me for the time.

“Um, 2:10” I replied, and went to keep walking. They followed me.

“Give us your wallet”.
“No” I reply, and kept walking. Their ‘leader’ (the one who could speak) stepped up in front of me.
“Come on cunt, three against 1. Give us your money”.
“I don’t have any money! Do you think I’d be walking home if I had money?”
“Give us ya wallet then!”
The one with the big stick, laughing goofily, hit me over the head.
“FUCK OFF!” I shout out him, and I walk up the ramp as fast as I can. They mill about again and the leader started pushing me back.
“Three against 1, three against 1, give us your wallet”
“I’ve got three fucking dollars! Do you think I’d be walking home if I had any money?!”
“Give it to us then. Give us ya watch”
“What watch?”
“The one you told us the time with”
“Fuck off, I just wanna go home”.
“Give us ya watch and ya money”
“I just wanna go home”.
This exchange continued a bit longer, the guy kept pushing me, his stick-handling mate kept laughing, the other hung around in the background like the gutless piece of shit all three of them were. I just sit down on the ground and wish it wasn’t happening.
“Get up cunt!” They try to pull me up, and I eventually stand up again.
The leader tried to grab the wallet out of my pocket.
“HANG ON!” I pushed his hands away and pulled the wallet out myself. He tried to grab it off me. I held onto to it tightly.
“Wait, let me get my keys out”. I pull my keys out of my wallet and he snatches it off me. They pulled out the money and chucked all my cards over the side of the ramp and all over the concrete. He threw my earplugs and pick at me.
“Here have your earplugs and thing cunt! Now give us ya watch”.
I slowly started to take it off, and he started pushing me and pulled the watch off me. He then started feeling my other pocket, and tried to reach into it.
“What’s that in your other pocket?”
“It’s a fucking mentos and a train ticket”
“I’ll have that”, he pulled them out, “Cool, train ticket”. They laughed and ripped it up a few metres away from me. It was already used up, so I hardly cared.
“What else have ya got?”
“I don’t have anything else, if I had money I would’ve got a taxi home, ya fucking dickhead”.
He started walking towards me, smiling like a fuckwit, “Did you just call me a dickhead?”
“Yeah, well you are, aren’t you?”
They all fell in on me. The talker punched me in the side of the head and I just sat down again, curled up into a ball and covered my face, and let them get their kicks in. I didn’t make a sound, I didn’t cry, it didn’t seem to hurt. After a while they all walked off, still laughing.
I just lay there, wanting to cry from the unfairness of it all, but I refused to.

I got up, watched them disappear in the distance, and slowly went down onto the platform to collect all my cards and put them back in my wallet. I walked home and ran a bath for myself. The shock and unfairness boiled up in me so much that I had to tell someone, so I posted it on an internet forum, not wanting to wake up any of my family by calling them on the phone.

I went into the bathroom. My body started to hurt. I couldn’t hold back anymore, and I cried like a great big baby. I waited up for my brother Jon to come home, and hugged him for as long as I could. Then, at 3:30 am, I went to bed.

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The Mouse and Me

February 6th 2007 12:16
I hadn't slept in three days. The carpark-burnout king next door, along with the constant weekend stream of screechy sluts and chuckling jocks, had made sure of that. On the third night, a Sunday, I had hoped for a respite from this behaviour. Luckily, I got it. It seems dickheads need their rest before Monday too.

Nevertheless, I continued to have trouble putting my thoughts to rest. As I finally began to drift away into the comforting and distant arms of sleep I was rudely ripped back into wakefulness by a presence in my room.

A obscenely loud scratching and scuttling, right by my ear... was something in the wall? I tried to block the sound out, but it continued. So I pulled myself up onto my backside and reached for the bedside light.

The mouse sat on my bedside table, so far unnamed despite it's regular tenancy in our house. It ran from sight when it realised my eyes were open it. Furious, I lept to my feet and switched on the lightbulb proper. I threw my head against the wall, trying to spy down the crack behind the table, to make sure I had seen what I had seen.

"What do you want?" cried the mouse.
"Get outta my fucking room" I replied.
"Why?"
"You're keeping me awake!"

The mouse bit it's tongue and spoke no further, obviously aware that by doing so it would provoke my wrath. The fact that this mouse - a lowly rodent - was speaking at all was enough to anger me. How dare it so easily break the common conceptions of mouse-intelligence, or lack thereof!

I ran to the back room of the house and grabbed the longest, heavist piece of drum hardware I could find. On my return I struck the metal stand down the crack, delighting as the mouse was flushed from it's refuge.

"Out! Out! Out!" I shouted triumphantly.

The mouse scuttled further out of reach, as mice do, and under my bed where I had fuckall chance of getting it.

"I shall make you a deal!" it squeaked.

I waited, silently.

"Let me go and I shall never come into this room again".
"Sure" I replied.

I waited still, but it remained hidden.

"C'mon then".
"How do I know you won't try to get me?" asked the mouse hesitantly.
"You have my word", sincerely.

The mouse slowly crept out from under the bed, it's nose wavering up at me, it's whiskers all-a-scitter.

I smashed the drum stand down upon it, knocking the twitching creature out cold, and displacing it's insides enough to kill it. You see, I could never give me word to a mouse, because they're little cunts and they have no business in my room or my language.
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What is Australian?

February 1st 2007 12:04
Is it a Lebanese kebab?
The Ford shirts on middle-aged men?
Americana on TV


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Watching a movie with idiots

January 23rd 2007 09:24
Fuck, when I went and saw a movie recently there were all these dumb cunts fidgeting in their seats within the first 20 minutes and going to each other "DERRRRR THIS IS BORING DERRRRR DID YOU WATCH THE FOOTY ON DA WEEKEND MATE?" They all started ringing each other on their mobile phones and just chatting to each other, not even attempting to be quiet about it either. I couldn't fucking believe it. Why would you even bother staying in the theatre if you really couldn't handle it? "DERRRR I DON'T LIKE THIS SO EVERYONE ELSE MUSTN'T EITHER". It’s okay though, at the end of the day I win, because in a few years time they’ll all be fucked out on meths and bourbon listening to their fat wives nagging them while their litter of degenerate single-brain cell kids shit all over the house. “DERRRRRR MY MISSUS HAS A MASSIVE GUNT AN I LOVE ADIDAS PANTS THEY ARE DA BOMB CHECK OUT MY NEW PHONE MATE ITZ A NOKIA I CAN FIT IT IN MY ARSEHOLE AN TAKE PHOTOS INSIDE IT WOAH WHATS DAT SMELL?!?!”
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Take Note

January 19th 2007 09:28
I got a ripped off bit of notage in the mail that said “Hi Luke, on the plane on the way home. I read the copy of CTW you gave me! It was one of the best! – takenote.com.au”. There was no return address on it but I figured out it was from my friend Matt in Brisbane. Anyways I checked out the website and it’s this site that takes messages for you and then the guys on the site send a handwritten version of it to anyone you want in Australia.

Take Note
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Hanging' With Mr. Cooper (and me)

January 17th 2007 12:57


I remember when 'Hanging' with Mr. Cooper' first came on the air and there was a massive craze… people no longer said ‘hello’ to each other, they greeted their friends and family with “What up Coop?” Conversations were continuously interrupted and buoyed by many Cooperisms, such as “You da man Coop!”, “Before you play, what do you say” and “Crank this baby up there


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Proof that God is retarded

January 15th 2007 12:48
And on the 7th day, God created this thing, but he decided not to tell anyone because he was embarrassed.


Above you will see a newly discovered amphibious creature that defies current classifications, perhaps more so than any other creature discovered in the last 100 years. It doesn’t have a proper name yet, just some latin bullshit some dude wanked out to satisfy his nerdish ego


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Uniformity

January 2nd 2007 06:47
Most people are on holidays.

I have to get up for work around 6 in the morning. It's not too bad, I'll be finished by midday, and I get to work in civvies. When I'm out of uniform it feels like I'm not really working, even when I hop up behind the counter to serve customers


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The Fork and the Butterknife

December 28th 2006 01:45
The fork tumbled down over the plates and other cutlery, clinking into the sink below.

"Hello there!" said the butterknife in a rather jovial fashion


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Supapoo

December 23rd 2006 08:51
So I got home from work today and I open my letterbox and there's a funny smell in it. I pick up this bundle of paper and unwrap it to find that it is a flyer for a fertiliser company called 'Supapoo' and there is a satchel of shit attached to it.

You gotta be fucking kidding me


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Lamb Kebabs

December 19th 2006 06:18


My brother got a kebab in Glebe once and he goes to the guy behind the counter, "Got any lamb kebabs?" and the kebab guy replies, "The beef has lamb in it


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Dirty Water

December 14th 2006 12:17
Tap water is dirty, but strangely it doesn’t kill you. I never got sick from tap water, not that I was aware of anyway. It started in the early to mid 90s, a scare here or there (none of which resulted in death) led to a sharp rise in the buying of water filters… this in turn gave way to higher consumption of various bottled water brands. As the years went by the craze crazed on with no sign of slowing… more and more people turned away from the dirty tap water in favour of “clean and pure bottled water” (quote taken from some woman on a street somewhere).


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A Full Moon

December 13th 2006 06:56
I haven't mooned in ages. There's some fun to be had with mooning though.

On my 22nd birthday I went to Penrith Panthers Leagues Club and got fairly drunk, anyways a mate of mine gave me a lift home and dared me to moon out of the window (shotgun) for the entire trip home. So I did. Anyway we pulled up at some lights and some old couple pulled up next to us. I'm there with my arse hanging out the window and the guy in the seat behind me winds down his window and calls out for the attention of the couple... I hear their gasps of surprise as Shano (the guy in the back) starts slapping my arse and laughing


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