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Cane Toad Warrior - March 2007

Music of the Gods

March 30th 2007 11:05
Jonno cold chisel

Jonno lets off some steam about people dissing his favourite band

Mate, another thing that pisses me off is these people who go ‘Oh yeah, Aussie rock, y’know I love it’ and they say all these new Aussie rock bands, who aren’t really Aussie rock at all, they’re all punk bands or tryhard rap/funky shit going on.

Everyone goes ‘AC/DC’ and that ‘they’re bloody tops’. I bet ya Brian Johnson didn’t drink two bottles of vodka and a couple of bottles of bourbon before he went on stage… Cold Chisel did. That’s what I’m talking about. Barnsey – that guy is a legend. All these people start going ‘Cold Chisel, they’re shit’, they say they love 80s pub-rock, or pub-rock in general, they’ll probably say Rose Tattoo are cool (Rose Tattoo – fair enough, they’re alright). But Cold Chisel – these guys, they should be worshipped in this country for the fact that they are as Australian as Australia gets. People are going to start going to me now that ‘Er, Jimmy Barnes, he’s a Scottish immigrant’ or whatever, fair enough, but he’s pretty Aussie isn’t he? He’s Aussie-r than most other Aussies are.

Anyway, so they go to America in the 80s and start wanting to do other sorts of stuff, and they start trying to please a certain audience… and then, they came out with a song like ‘You’ve Got Nothing I want’, and then they decided to stay in Australia, and they did us proud. Then all these people went ‘80s pub rock’s not cool anymore’ or ‘Er, it’s so out-dated’. Of course it’s out-dated, it was written in the 80s you mugs! What about the shit coming out these days, all these people making the same sound, like the White Stripes ‘coming up’ with a 60s-sound. Oh that’s cool isn’t it. Yeah. Wow. If you want to listen to the 60s then listen to the Beatles.
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Blood Pressure kid

March 28th 2007 10:59
blood pressure kid
Arghhhh!


Kid to mum, smelling plastic book, “It smells like blood pressure”.
Mum corrects him “Smells like plastic”.

What a shame, blood pressure was a much more interesting description.

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American have banned vegemite

March 27th 2007 11:12
MATURE CONTENT
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the customer is not always right.

March 26th 2007 04:30
Angry customers
No GST for me!

Sometimes I feel as if I’ve slipped through a crack in the fabric of reality and have fallen through to a parallel universe where the normal manners of everyday human-interaction have been twisted into a bizarre parody of what they were.
For example, when I work in the bookstore, I will get customers who come up to me with a book they want to buy, but it’s like they’re angry with me for ‘making’ them buy the book. They’ll make snide comments about being ripped off, or won’t say ‘thank you’, or will be reluctant to hand me their money, or will argue over the price, or will berate me for the poor quality of my register’s receipts. This one guy wouldn’t leave because he felt the receipt the machine had printed was unacceptable. He said the ink was too faded and the itemized breakdown wasn’t detailed enough… now, really, what can I or any other human being do about that? I assured him that the receipt could be read clearly (he was holding it upside-down, hence his confusion and it’s ‘unreadability’), read it to him out loud, re-wrote the company’s ABN number on the back, and assured him that a tax agent would accept it. Eventually, after five minutes of waving the receipt at my face and waiting for a discount that was never going to come, he gave up and left. The dumb old shit


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The Discovery of New Animals Part 2

March 23rd 2007 09:25
Continuing on from yesterday, here are some other fantastic new species of mammals.

Kipunji

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The Discovery of New Animals Part 1

March 21st 2007 09:03
If there's one thing that keeps me smiling in this perpetually downtrodden world of doom, gloom and naysaying, it's the continuing discovery of mammals previously unknown to science. Just when it seems like we've charted every milimetre of this world and catalogued every mammal known (indeed, of all the various groups within the Animal Kingdom, it's the Mammal class which is the most well-known) up pops another fantastic and wondrous new species. Here are some of the most recent discoveries...

Bornean Clouded Leopard

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An encounter with an actual celebrity!

March 20th 2007 08:57
Bill Collins
"Hi, I'm Bill Collins"


Once I had to 'train' a new guy at work. This involved me letting him do all the work and giving him encouraging tips every now and then. We talked about music for most of the time he was there


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Doing a poo on the floor of a fairly well-known store

March 18th 2007 12:19
poo man
Oooo! You did a poo! I am so angry!!!


When I worked at Target a few years ago these two kids came in. One of them was running around acting like an idiot, and I was told to keep an eye on him. Turns out he was acting as a decoy for his mate. While we were all watching this idiot run about hiding behind stuff and generally looking suss, his mate was off in the toy section taking a dump on the floor


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Your ticket to a free ride.

March 16th 2007 07:18
fat man wheelchair
Why walk when you can ride? Eat more food today!
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Why the Salvation Army can bite my arse

March 14th 2007 07:09
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So I got into a fight the other night.

March 13th 2007 07:05
bung eye
This is me, during the fight.


Once I was walking down the street and this asian dude comes over to me and goes, “Hey mate, you got a smoke?”. I didn’t have a smoke, and then all these other asian dudes suddenly came out of the bushes and they were all like, “Yo man, we’re the triads give us some fucken cigarettes already”. But I swear I don’t smoke! So they all start fighting me and stuff and I’m not a good fighter so I didn’t really stand a chance and then one of them pulls out this big machete and cuts my arm off. He cut my fucking arm off! I looked down and saw it on the ground, twitching, and blood started pissing out of my shoulder where my arm should’ve been, so I started screaming (as you do) and aimed the blood torrent at the nearest triad dude and he starts gagging cause all the blood is spraying in his mouth and I’m like, “Yeah man, I got AIDS!” so then they start screaming and running off and I’m spinning around like a sprinkler and getting them all. Then I picked up my arm and quickly ran home and got the sewing machine out and stitched my arm back on. Luckily, I hadn’t lost too much blood. It was a close one.
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A letter to the Hutt River Province itself!

March 12th 2007 11:35
Hutt River Province


This was an email I sent to the administrator of an official Hutt River Province website. They never replied. I originally wanted to send a proper letter but the Australian post office isn't exactly co-operative about sending letters to the Province
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An open letter to John Howard

March 8th 2007 09:28
HRH Prince Leonard
HRH Prince Leonard, of the Hutt River Province


Dear Prime Minister Howard


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The snubbing of the Hutt River Province

March 7th 2007 09:20
Hutt River Province


The following are two letters I sent to publishing groups who published maps of Australia that failed to acknowledge the geographical existence of the Hutt River Province. I found this political decision to be a rather appalling choice, especially since the map-making companies in questions are supposed to be objective about their trade. I sent similar letters to a few other map-making companies too (aside from the ones posted below), none replied.
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The Hutt River Province - Australia's closest neighbour

March 6th 2007 07:42
Hutt River Province
The flag of the Hutt River Province


You may not be aware of this, but within Australian borders there is another country. Back in 1970, one man took a look around at Australia and decided it wasn’t for him


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Good times!

March 5th 2007 11:21
old man


So I was at work and putting some things away. I was kneeling on the floor, shoving something or other into the storage bays we have under our shelves


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My Artwork

March 2nd 2007 04:56
As you might've guessed from the sketchy sketch in the banner above, I like to draw retarded pictures sometimes. Anyway, I've amassed a fair bit of fairly useless drawings to this effect, so I thought I'd post some up here, and yeah I know some of them are on the dodgy side, but anyway here they are...

Worm Man
Worm Man

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Stereo Man

March 1st 2007 04:43
It's evolution, baby!
It's evolution, baby!


I was catching the train home today, trying to read and not to fall asleep, when this guy sits down behind me and starts listening to his doof doof shite heaps loud on his portable stereo


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January 2008
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October 2007
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