 |
|
|
I'm not inactiveJanuary 9th 2008 11:49
I'm not inactive, I'm just resting because I'm so massively phat.
In the meantime, check out this awesome new Orble blog by Pat 1 /Books are for Losers
 Rice: War Criminal?October 15th 2007 10:24
Pffft, who cares about Condoleeza Rice. Now that I have your attention I am here to talk you about the GOOD rice. Fried Rice.
Bad Rice
Good Rice
I could eat rice three times a day. If I had such resources at my disposal I would cover my bed in cooked rice and roll around in it naked. Sure, I'd probably make sweet love with Condoleeza Rice too but for me the real deal is fried rice full of peas and carrots and (if I'm feeling saucy) pineapple. If someone annoyed me I could fill my mouth with rice, suck on it's exquisite essence, and then spit said rice into said person's face. They'd be all like, "Ahhhh, rice!!!!!" and I'd be like, "Yeahhhhhhhh boyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy yyyyyyyy that's the NICE rice!", and it would rule. If I was going to get married I would take my girl by one arm and say, "Darling, tonight I am doing for you something quite special" and I would take her back to my place and we would have a candlelit meal with sweet horn music playing in the background and I would feed her rice. I would scoop it up and shovel it into her mouth and she would marry me. Once I tried to toast rice in my toaster. It didn't work. If I had kids I would give them rice to take to school in their lunchboxes and the other kids would be jealous because they didn't have rice and my kids would get better marks in class because the teacher would favour my kids for being multicultural. My kids would never get hungry because if they did I would just feed them more rice. When I die my body will buried in a coffin full of rice. The rice would rejuvenate me because my body by then would be 99% rice from eating rice so much. I would burst out of my casket at the funeral, and rice would pour from my mouth and eyes and I would bellow "WHO WANTS RICE!" and everyone would run and scream from the funeral parlour. By this point Australia would be at war with China, and China would be the world's number 1 superpower and the Australian Prime Minister (let's face it, it'll probably still be John Howard, and he'll be in his late 90s and he'll still be a clown) would be like "We'll never join you China, we hate Asians!" and I'll come into the fray, with rice still pouring from my eyes and mouth and ears and other places I won't mention, and I'll say "Guys, guys, we don't have to fight, look - rice" and I would empty my sleevs forth and rice would pour out like a beautiful fountain of rice and elderly John Howard would cry cause some of it will get into his eyes and the Chinese fuhrer will be laughing and he'll go "High five rice man!" and he'll decide not to invade Australia and let us just get on with eating rice.
The $3000 Baby BonusApril 12th 2007 05:05
Evolution clearly just doesn’t work anymore.
I don't understand the baby bonus idea. One moment the government was having a whinge about illegal immigrants coming into our country, next moment they were suddenly encouraging people to boost the population. Do we want people or not? Make up your mind. Encouraging poor and dumb people to procreate by waving dollars in front of them is hardly productive in terms of evolution. If they must give a dollar incentive to encourage procreation they should at least take the 3000 dollars and put it into trust funds for the child in question instead, or something else along those lines. The knee-jerk reaction the Government has whenever the word ‘immigration’ is mentioned smacks of the 1901 ‘White Australia’ policy. Provided the immigrants in question have bankable skills and want to make a better life for themselves in this country I see no reason not to let them, it’s a lot more than a lot of our homegrown bums have set in their sights. It just irks me that the Government can't admit that it's racist. Half the Average Janes and Joes who whinge about illegal immigrants or immigrants in general use the "Australia can't sustain much more people" argument... where's their stance when the government starts dangling the almighty dollar in front of their salivating yokel jaws like a carrot for a syphalitic mule? I'll tell you where their stance goes, it buggers off because they'll root their way to a whole litter of 3-k kids if they smell money. Australia can't sustain more people my bloody hogseye. I still fail to see why people should be encouraged to have kids. If anything, the government should be paying people to be sterilised - it would be an easy way to enforce quality control. Anyone who’s that poor or dumb that they’ll willingly let themselves be sterilised in exchange for $3000 probably shouldn’t be having kids. Do it. Do it now. It’s detrimental to evolution to encourage our lowest ranks to breed.
Random FactsApril 11th 2007 05:02
* Write ‘CHOICE COD’ on a piece of paper. Hold it upside down in front of the mirror. Neat, huh?
* Mexico once had 3 presidents in the space of three hours. Pretty stupid
What's so good about Good Friday?April 10th 2007 04:56
“They said I was too ugly to be famous! All I had to do was eat a baby, and now I’m a star!"
What’s so good about Good Friday? No shops are open, and supposedly I can’t eat meat. I suppose Christ died around Good Friday, so maybe that’s one good thing. I love how I’m supposed to not be able to eat meat yet, lo and behold, I found some and put it in my mouth and sure enough – I was able to eat it! No smiting from God or anything. Not even a tummy ache. I ate a great big juicy wad of chicken, plus some greasy ham-like bacon, courtesy of the Colonel. I would have eaten a steak as well, but the steak in my fridge kinda looked unedible.
Telemarketers - how I loathe thee and how I outsmart theeApril 9th 2007 04:41
Telemarketers. We all freakin' hate them, right? The only people who don't hate them are those who actually are them. And even that aint definite.
In my house, my home phone is in another room to my bedroom. If I am in my bedroom, writing a blog or something, and I hear the phone ring, I have to rush and run to it in the hope that I will get there before it rings four times. If it rings four times, it will go to messagebank... and, as around 50 percent of the population is incapable of leaving a message (what gives?), this means I will miss the call altogether
Naughty Kids - How we can fix this.April 5th 2007 10:49
Mother comes in to get some books. Little son runs around pulling books off tables, knocking them on the floor, runs off outside when mother tries to go to the counter to buy him books. She catches him and straps him into his pram, then he starts trying to pull some books off the table. Not once does the mother admonish him. I decide to offer her some advice
Portuguese is NOT for DummiesApril 4th 2007 10:44
An email to John Wiley, the publishers of the 'For Dummies' series of books.
An interview with the man behind Nerf JihadApril 3rd 2007 10:38
Nerf Jihad #4
Following on from yesterday's reviews of the various issues of Nerf Jihad, I thought I'd put up this old interview I did with Matt Ford, the writer of the zine.
Nerf JihadApril 2nd 2007 10:33
Nerf Jihad #3
Nerf Jihad is a great original zine by a guy called Matt. He covers a little bit of music, but most of it deals with his hilarious joustings with various Australian celebrities and companies. Each issue of the zine features incredibly funny letters that he sends away to the famous and commercially-savvy, and at least half of these people seem to take his letters completely seriously - as evidenced by their replies. It's great stuff. Matt also writes various articles and short biographical pieces with great wit and comical flair. Anyway, I highly recommend these zines, you can get them here - Nerf Jihad.
More Posts
1 Posts
1 Posts
8 Posts
161 Posts dating from August 2006
Email Subscription
Receive e-mail notifications of new posts on this blog:
[ View Blog Summary ] [ Create A New Post ]
 Moderated by Luke
|
Comments (1)
Add Comments
Read More
